Allyt14

  I've been here for two years now? Almost three. That's some messed up shit.  I've been looking through my profile and some of the things I've posted and its mostly been me shaking my head in embarrassment. 

  I wish I had the heart to go through and delete everything but, I'm not going to. I like looking back on it because then I can remember what i was feeling and doing when I was writing that stuff.  And even now when I'm still writing I like looking back on all of that.

  And I've realized that all I do is ramble when I write these.

  But still, thank you to all of you beautiful people that put up with me back then and even now when I've pretty much abandoned this website. 

  Anyways, thanks everyone. I might post something every now and again. 

  We'll see. 


Xoxo, 
-Alyssa

I figured I owed you guys something since my last post was September  of last year lol

[ ] the dark 

[ ] staying single forever 

[ ] being a parent

[ ] giving birth 

[ ] being myself in front of others

[x] open spaces

[ ] closed spaces

[ ] heights

[ ] dogs

[ ] birds 

[ ] fish

[ ] spiders

[ ] flowers or other plants

total so far:

X: 1

[ ] being touched

[ ] fire

[/] deep water

[ ] snakes 

[ ] silk

[ ] the ocean 

[ ] failure

[ ] success

[ ] thunder/lightning

[ ] frogs/toads

[ ] girlfriends/boyfriend's dad

[ ] girlfriends/boyfriend's mom

[ ] rats

[ ] jumping form high places

[ ] snow 

total so far: 

X: 1 + 1/2

[ ] rain 

[ ] wind

[ ] crossing hanging bridges

[ ] death

[ ] heaven 

[ ] being robbed

[x] falling 

[ ] clowns

[ ] dolls

[x] large crowds of people

[ ] men 

[ ] women

[ ] having great responsibilities

[ ] doctors, including dentists

[ ] tornadoes

total so far:

X: 3+1/2

[ ] hurricanes

[ ] incurable diseases

[ ] sharks

[ ] Friday the 13th (it's actually my lucky day)

[ ] ghosts

[ ] poverty

[ ] Halloween

[ ] school

[ ] trains

[ ] odd numbers  

[ ] even numbers

[ ] becoming blind

[ ] becoming deaf

[/] growing up

total so far:

X: 4

[x] creepy noises in the night

[x] bee stings

[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals

[ ] blood

[ ] dinosaurs

[ ] the welcome mat 

[ ] high speed 

[ ] throwing up

[ ] falling in love

[ ] super secrets

total:

X: 7

If you wish to post this journal, it's been requested that you title it, "I'm afraid of __ out of 72 fears"

if you get more than 30, I highly suggest counseling

if you get more than 20, you're paranoid

if you get 10-20, you're normal. 

if you get under 10, you're fearless.

Its been forever since I've posted anything. I'm sorry for that and I am doing better for all of those who are interested. I don't think that I'll be posting anything soon but I just wanted to update...

After everything that happened today and all the drama, I really don't think I can do this anymore. I just relapsed and I'm crying me eyes out typing this I think he hates me and I cant take it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die...

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is spam but I'm tired of keeping this all to myself.

 I've been told to kill myself, tried to, thought about it, Been screamed at, insulted, hit, beat, cut, smoked, burned, binged, purged, starved, had anxiety attacks, been broken(Still am), Hurt, depressed, called insane, tried to be put into a mental institution(By my own mother no less.), Been diagnosed with more things than most people thought possible. And yet, I'm still here. After 2 suicide attempts and everything listed above. I'm still here, on this earth, still breathing and blinking and talking and walking.  I have people that care, and people that don't, and people who don't even know me.

I am thankful for quiet evenings, and my family, and the few friends I have. I am thankful that I am not alone in this world no matter how much I think I am. And recently I have been in recovery and I was almost 90 days free from cutting, bingeing, purging, and burning. Until two days ago. My dad came home and was fine. Then his buddy came over and they both smoked marijuana and as soon as his friend left he called me downstairs and started screaming and cussing at me over something I liked on Facebook. (Which was just a quote from tumblr) He ended up calling me some things that I do not want to repeat online and I got into the shower after he was done screaming at me and cried.  

For people who know me personally, (Which would only be Skyla on this website) I am not a crier, I hardly ever cry and I haven't cried before that in about a year or so...But anyways, I cried in the shower for about 20 minutes before I found my razor on top of the little shelf in my shower. I ended up putting countless cuts all over my hips/sides and I feel so ashamed.  But I'm not at the same time, if that makes any sense at all.

But anyways, I am just putting this up here because I had to get it out somewhere. No, I am not posting this for sympathy,  nor attention.  


But on a better note, I am currently working on a few projects that I will hopefully, be posting soon.

I'll see you later lovelies,  -Alyssa